A subjective (but obviously definitive) ranking of the Twilight movies

Before we go into this post, you need to understand that I kind of have a weird relationship with Twilight. It’s not love-hate because I don’t hate it. It’s more like… I love it, unconditionally, but I would never defend it because I know (just like Robert Pattinson) that it’s so bad. Every time I watch the movies, I watch them as comedies and literally roast the shit out of them – buuuuut I love them nonetheless. So after recently finishing ANOTHER rewatch of them all, I decided it would be fun to present you with my personal ranking of these films. We’ll be going from best to worst, so strap on your seatbelts and enjoy this vampy ride. Beware: lots of spoilers.

#1 Twilight
There’s no way to deny that the first movie will always be the best of them all. Even if we’re only judging the colour scheme, this movie would win drastically. Robert and Kristen are both still so innocent in this one, not anticipating yet the wild ride this franchise would take them on. It’s cute, a tad weird, very enjoyable and features the most iconic scene: the Cullens’ entrance into the cafeteria. Whereas I’m not a big fan of the scene with James (doesn’t this guy own a shirt?!), a lot of other moments definitely make up for it. The Cullens cooking Italian for Bella? Edward being happy (something we rarely see)? Charlie loading up a gun before getting introduced to Edward? Oh and here’s my favourite stupid quote from Twilight: “Hold on tight, spider-monkey.

#2 Eclipse
The best thing about Eclipse is that we finally get some proper backstory on the Cullens, since the Cullens are a weird but interesting bunch. What I especially love is that Jasper gets a platform. After having read the books, it kind of saddened me that this was the only movie that actually took some time to explain the family. *sigh* I wish there were more. Best quote is when Jasper goes: “After all, how many times are we gonna graduate high school?” at school with all of their ‘friends’. Although I have to admit though that the love triangle is the worst in the worst in this one (ahem, Bella kissing Edward before walking over to Jacob who then hugs her dramatically… the “I’m hotter than you”-incident… All the kissing……).

#3 Breaking Dawn part 2
For those of us who watched the movies before reading the books, this movie was A SHOCKER. Truly, I was in the cinema trying not to scream at the top of my lungs when the fight happened. It hurt, both mentally and physically, to see some of the characters I started to hold dear get killed off so ruthlessly. Then when the plot twist happened, I wanted to scream even more. So that was cool. What was also cool was meeting more vampires, especially when those vampires are Rami Malek and Lee friggin’ Pace. Additionally, this movie probably has the best quote of the entire franchise… “YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!?!?!?!?!?!?”.

#4 New Moon
In all honesty, I find my last two choices equally bad and it took me a while to realize which one was worse. The reason I put this before BD pt. 1 is because whilst I do not like Jacob Black AT ALL, this movie is qualitatively slightly better. Just barely. Granted, Bella is already kind of a dumb character, but in this one, she just goes batshit crazy. New Moon completely destroys any credibility Bella still has as a properly functioning human. I ALWAYS skip this one when doing rewatches. I hate that it exists. Let’s just leave it at the fact that I do really love the music in this one?

#5 Breaking Dawn part 1
This movie is the biggest cringefest possibly EVER. There’s such a wide array of awful scenes I could choose to make my point, but it feels like it doesn’t do justice to how awful this movie really is. Just like New Moon, I tend to skip this one when I do a rewatch, except when I’m in a really good (?) mood. But for the sake of it let’s just quickly go through a few things… Tearing the house apart and leaving it to the cleaners. Trying to seduce Mr Sparkle in sexy lingerie. Google images = apparently legit when researching “vampire child”. Bella turning into rank Skeletor. That GODAWFUL birth scene where Edward BITES THE PLACENTA OR SOMETHING???????? My favourite part? Every scene that featured Charlie, who basically portrays how everyone should feel when watching this.

So that was it. My personal ranking of all the Twilight films. Now it’s your turn because I’ve become curious to see who agrees with me and who doesn’t. Let me know in the comments what YOUR ranking is and let’s talk!

Love,

 

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4 Comments

  1. As obviously definitive this ranking is, I would have to query why BD pt2 ranks above New Moon. Does Robert Pattison’s exposed and sparkling hairy chest and burger nipples not make you think that perhaps New Moon should rank a little higher? And for the sheer fact they called their daughter RENESMEE BD pt2 should be relegated to 4th. Not questioning your authority here, but also I kinda am.

    1. You have…… a point. But for every month that passes by in “the chair scene”, New Moon drops in the ranking (even though it will never be worse than BD1). You have to understand that even burger nipples cannot help its cause.

  2. Haha, love this. I have to disagree though… I did love Twilight, but for me, Breaking Dawn Part 2 was the very best, probably followed by Eclipse… I LOVED vampire Bella and in Eclipse, I loved how mature everything got. Then Breaking Dawn Part 1, because I did love the wedding and honeymoon storylines and yes, I also loved seeing Bella’s pregnancy. Twilight would be fourth and New Moon fifth. God, I hated the New Moon book and I hated Jacob and his thing with Bella, but Twilight is also so so so bad haha. The movies actually kept getting better after the first one, same as with Harry Potter.

    1. Mmmmh interesting, I see! I can understand your thinking even though I never thought someone would rank Twilight lover than BD1 haha! I actually watched BD1 with my sister this weekend (it was her first time watching it) and she expressed how I felt perfectly when she said: “Wait, was that the whole movie? I thought something was gonna happen!!” when we finished it ahaha

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